This is some of my story…
We all have moments in life we collect. The moments we choose to share or remember are the moments that have affected us greatly, and in a way, define us a little and although I do not like definition, as we are all truly free to be anything, I choose to share some of my story so you may understand a little of who I am. My struggles may be few compared to yours, but it is how we become connected to our life here. Our love. Our reason for being that makes us unique to share our story and find what makes us tick.
I suppose you could say my conscious spiritual journey commenced about 20 years ago in Japan where I was working at the time when I picked up a book called The Celestine Prophecy. Now many of you who have read it may agree that it is a fun exciting “fictional” storybook, but this book began my conscious thought pattern to energy and life. It started me thinking more about us in this human form and energy form. It was a great introduction to spiritualism for me for I was raised Roman Catholic but was very curious about life, humanity and much more.
I worked in a few places with a dance troupe which I absolutely adored. Japan, Singapore and Australia was my home throughout my 20s. Music, Singing, Dance and the arts, in general, had always been part of my childhood. Blessed to have the opportunity to work as a singer and dancer overseas was phenomenal. Here the love /hate relationship with my body was compounded which would later become more apparent that in this life my body was my teacher. And oh how she taught.
In the late 90s I moved to London, following a love. The time spent in this city was very educational and grew me up! On a working holiday, as many Aussies do over there, I met amazing people from all over the world, colourful days and nights. I believe it was in London that I lost who I was more than ever. Drugs, alcohol, partying, disconnected to who I truly was, led me to places I knew did not feel right. It was here that I struggled with no family, few friends and not really loving who I was being.
In December 1999, still in London, my late 20’s, I discovered I was pregnant with my partner at the time. Then a few days later on Christmas Eve, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease. Having no idea what this was, in my own mind I had defined it as Parkinson’s Disease, the one Michael J Fox was working with, so in my mind, as the doctor was explaining the diagnosis and I was thinking, ok so maybe we can work with this, and suddenly he dropped the “C” word. Cancer. The moment stood still, the words parted from his mouth and floated by my brain. Cancer? Confused and lost in that moment, just like in the movies, everything slowed down. I heard nothing from there and slow-motion had kicked in. It all became a blur of words, thoughts, and emotions.
The first thing that came to me, after I realised I had cancer, was that I had disappointed my mum and family by getting sick. I have since discovered, disappointing others can be a natural reaction after such a diagnosis. But that is another story, another counseling session.
How life can take a 180 when you least expect it but need it. The doctor’s advice to terminate my pregnancy felt like it was my only choice at the time, as they advised the baby would not survive the chemo and radiotherapy that was planned for me. A sad and confusing time but a choice to be made.
The disease had affected my lungs and lymph nodes. I had to return to my home town, Perth Australia as I knew the support of my family would see me through this part of my life. So back in Australia, I was to undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy over a 12 month period. It was at this time my learning became more intense and I began to embrace life.
After 6 months of chemotherapy, regular reiki sessions from an amazing healer, who is now a dear friend, Jill thankyou, a complete change in diet, organic, vegetarian and vegan (at times) menu, the support and unconditional love of my amazing mother, daily meditations, affirmations with the help of Louise L. Hay and so many more, the continual support from my family and my courageous sister Jenny who would take me to chemo each fortnight, the complete dedication to learning to love myself, in 8 months I was free of cancer.
This was the time my life had completely changed. I had rewired my brain, my thought patterns, shifted to a sphere of bliss. You know the bliss people talk about. I was in complete presence and it was incredible to be flowing on this wave. I decided that it was now to take hold of life and not let a minute pass without following my dreams. Without going for it.
Life was not to be taken for granted. Ever. Little did I know then, that the journey I started was propelled by fear. The fear of running out of time.
From that time my passion, persistence, and drive in life had been a strength. To follow my heart, my truth and why I am on this planet drove me to achieve any dream I could perceive was my mission. The idea of taking life each day and learning to follow my dreams was paramount. I had conquered cancer and I was now unstoppable. An attitude that was powerful and also relentless.
For the next 20 years a journey of health, body, relationship and mental issues presented which were all challenged head-on. My heart voice was lost, the presence of beingness was also dim, but with more and more research, connecting to self on all levels in all possible ways to help heal, solve, unravel and disassemble patterns that were not working in my life became a constant journey to do better at being a being! At this time I also found Zumba!
After a failed relationship with a man I deeply loved, I sought comfort in proving him wrong, and that he would be sorry that we had parted ways because I would be so hot and successful. I absolutely loved to dance, to be on stage, and to motivate others, so what a perfect combination to release and rise. I became one of the first instructors in Perth and had an absolute blast. The Zumba journey was so wonderful, impacting the lives of so many with dance and energy, we moved mountains. On my 40th birthday, we were raising 50K for Telethon Perth and leading instructor the team to break a world record was superb. It was a successful and joyous time, with life long friends made, but after about 5 years my body started to slow me down. Injury, unresolved emotions, ailing heath of my parents took it’s toll so Zumba stopped.
In 2013 the declining health of my mum and dad became a priority. I was again diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on my thyroid gland. The only option that was given to me at the time was to take out my thyroid completely. This was not an option for me so I decided not to operate. I was just not ready to take that step and my focus was primarily with my parents and their health. I only told several people in relation to the cancerous tumor. With all the turmoil going on with my parents, I could not deal with their worry and anxiety relating to me, for I know this just adds to the heaviness of it all so I left it at that, kept tabs on my thyroid and did what I could to help my body until mum and dad were sorted. With my vast experience to draw upon, my gut instincts and a supportive doctor, I was to take each day as it came with no pressure on my direction. It felt right.
Searching for healthy, natural options at the time, I decided to become a Reiki Practitioner and also discovered a system called the Direction Technique™. This was an incredible modality for me at the time and allowed me to work with my body and endocrine system directly. It helped me refine my energy, work with guides, spirit, and God. I attended a spiritual church which allowed me to build my psychic and channeling abilities and really delve into my healing, life regressions, and the spiritual and energetic worlds. Here is where my true passion and gifts started to blossom. I regressed into many lifetimes, and did much healing on traumatic moments in each life, including this one. It was at this time I realised that my gifts came much earlier in my life, that I had suppressed by social conditions. I remembered one of my first out-of-body experiences at 2 years of age where I was in a car accident with my mum and I was in the hospital. I was hooked up to various machines after an emergency operation on my stomach and saw myself looking down upon myself. I felt at peace. I still see it clear as day, my spirit as I am now, just viewing my body from above. I noticed it was my dads’ pain that I had connected to at that moment which had kept the memory hidden. I see his tears and felt his pain which was very traumatic for me to witness as a child. Close to death, I knew it was not to be my last day on earth and had to return for I had much to experience and share in this life.
As time moved forward my beautiful mums’ health deteriorated as so did my dear dads. They were both living alone and although my sisters I were their primary carers, it was always apparent to me that I was my mums’ carer, I was responsible for her and her wellbeing, it was just my job. For as long as I have known, my reason for being on the planet was to look out and look after my mum. How do I explain this? I cannot, but it was not until last year when a dear Reiki healer brought through a previous life of mine with mum, where she had given her life for mine and I had returned here to this one in repayment, or karma, to help her through her tumultuous existence this time around.
In February 2015 my father died in a car accident. His health was declining and he was not in good physical shape but it was a shock to the system as all death is. And although I truly believe it was time for him to leave we thought we had more time. He loved his car, he loved driving and he was a proud man. He did not want to deteriorate and he left our world to be free. I remember a moment a few days before he passed, he was in my car as I was taking him to hospital for his dialysis treatment, which really knocked him about. He was in the passenger seat and he was just looking at me as we drove, and all of a sudden, a peace settled upon the space. It was beautiful. He told me he loved me and held my hand. I recognised the moment but how could you know this was an ending. I am truly thankful for that memory and so many we have together, for I know he is now with me each day.
It was then just 5 months later when mum went into the hospital. Although her health was not great, her passing was still a great shock to us. Doctors gave her years, but it was days and she rapidly deteriorated when we were told to bring in the family as she was not to last the night. Her passing was a struggle, just like her life. My heart ached to watch her pass, it was excruciating to bear witness, but I am too, thankful to have been by her side. Our whole family was there, for Mum left us on 30th July, days before her 77th birthday, just like my dad who was also 77. I miss her dearly, for she was my reason for living and it wasn’t until about 3 years after their death I fell into the depths of darkness.
Mum and dad were twin flames and loved each other dearly. Although they had divorced over 25 years ago, their love did not fade. Their spirit was stronger than their human body and decided to be with each other again. Free to love. Free to be. My human heart misses them both dearly but I also know they are both with me. Two of my greatest teachers I now live to honour them and learn to open my heart to living in love.
So it was at this time, late 2015, I decided to remove the cancerous tumor, 3 years after diagnosis. An option to have half my thyroid removed was available therefore no medication would be required, which was brilliant. It was time and I was thankful. After such great turmoil and internal challenge going through chemo, it was at this time I felt truly thankful to all the healing methods that were available to me for my body, mind, and soul to feel health and healing in this world. So thankful to my GP who was always so supportive and very informative, believed in me and my choices. I felt grateful to live in a time where we can choose how we wish to proceed with our health and our bodies. Here the healing and balance with all medicines and healing therapies took place.
After the death of my parents, the tumor removed, I allowed sadness to overcome me, I cried, I shared and I thought I was grieving. I kept going with dreams, looking to conquer new challenges and decided to use all the money left to me to invest in an event I had felt inspired to create. I was to bring over a well-known author from the USA to tour Australia. Being no stranger to events and very capable and excited to have this opportunity flow with such ease, I was looking forward to creating and managing such a once in a lifetime opportunity. All seemed to flow with great ease, and to me, that was a sign and I was to continue.
As time passed, the energy of all that was being created began to shift. I started to become tired, unmotivated and just did not want to go ahead with anything. I made a decision to travel overseas and visit my Croatian family in Medjugorje and get my spirit lifted. I also had the opportunity to meet with the author in Europe to get some interview footage for the upcoming Australian tour.
Upon my return, all had changed. My feeling to proceed with the event was in confusion. I did not want to do it anymore, it did not feel right. I was tired, I was unclear and decided to cancel and lose some money. This was not to be, as a conversation with the author led me to push back the event and hold it later, giving my time to rest. Looking back, I didn’t need rest. I was in a spiral. I was heading for a breakdown and did not know it.
The event did not go ahead. Ticket sales were low, complications arose and the event was canceled one week before, leaving me to lose everything. Exhausted and relieved, it took about 8 months to unravel the adrenalin and hit rock bottom.
At the end of 2017, all had fallen apart, and by the beginning of 2018, the triggers for a mental, physical, emotional break down began. I was unable to get out of bed. A fog of depression had settled into my mind and the ache of no reason for being started to fall upon me. Anxiety had started to take over the rest of the time, where cycles of mental patterns would loop over and over, creating a manic thought process and physical reaction that I have never experienced in my life. It was difficult to do, but I reached out to friends and family to help but they could only do what they could do for the journey in my mind and body was mine to navigate alone. The lowest point where mania and depression collided was in mid-2018 where I just wanted to leave the planet. Suicidal thoughts had been entering my mindscape, but this moment in time I recall I started to think of actual ways to end my life. It was this very moment that pulled me into my spirit, not my head but my very knowing that I needed to reach out to someone to help me, because I didn’t want to leave the planet, but needed help to stay. So I called a friend who talked me into my heart, my spirit in that moment. This saved my life, and started a great journey into grief, self-discovery, life, and loss.
Looking back I realise that all those tools, all that seeking of spirit, life, energy for over 20 years helped me in this very moment. Helped rip me out of my head and take control to know that my spirit, my essence is stronger than the thoughts running through my head, stronger than the darkness that seemed to cloak me at the time.
Now, I am in a better place. Anxiety still visits occasionally, my direction shifts each day, my emotional self is definitely more confident, but I am lighter and working with greater love in my heart. I am still working with clarity and understanding my role here on the planet, for over 45 years my service and my purpose was my mum, so rediscovering self, who I am, what I like, how to have fun, how to love again at this stage of my life is interesting and yes, exciting.
I am learning to open my heart again, to lead with my heart, not my head. To place kindness and love for self first. To heal all trauma and shame within. To embrace family and friends in a new way. To explore love and relationships without fear.
I continue to research life in new ways. Exploring and rediscovering. I am not sure where each day takes me, as there are still hard days, but I do my best each day to be open and loving to myself which in turn loves all.
I feel that one of my gifts is communication. I love to write, sing, explore and share. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, which to me, is beautiful, for sharing with others over the years has given me great peace. It has also given me a great strength to continue and feel loved. For me, I believe that connecting to community and sharing our stories is what unites us. To show us that we are not alone and that we are loved no matter what befalls us.
I hope that if you are reading this you feel inspired to live. To share your story for someone who may need to hear your words.
I am thankful for my life right now and wish you, great love.
To me, all we are here to do is find our hearts and our love.
Then we share this with one another, in hope it may help the journey of our fellow humans.
In the highest light and love